I Resolve...

Well number one I resolve to write on my blog more! I am thoroughly ashamed that i haven't posted here since September. My most important new year's resolution for 2007 is to get back to my writing, both here and on my novel. But why should this time be any different than the previous six months, when my writing has been half-hearted at best? Well, aside from the idea of not doing what I said I was gonna do one year ago, which is just not acceptable, I made another momentous decision this past week, after having a momentous epiphany that woke me up in the middle of the night and slapped me upside my knucklebrain head.

Something is bothering me. And that something is blocking me from getting down to the nitty gritty and truly writing "naked," which is the only kind that counts. I've realized that I'm afraid to write what I'm really thinking and feeling, afraid to admit what's really roiling around in there. So I made an appointment to see someone -- a professional -- to help me sort out what the deal is.

As i said when I started this blog, I feel like I'm going through some major changes in my life as I approach 50. My kids are almost grown and I have a lot more freedom to do what i want with my time. I enjoy my work and look forward to new professional challenges this year, and feel like in that area the sky's the limit now. At the same time, I plan to consciously control how much time I spend working for pay and devote at least equal time to finishing my novel. I'm so excited about that!

But with this new freedom and lots of new choices has come a restlessness and searching for something, a dissatisfaction with the status quo. I've reacted to this strange sensation, which has been building for the past couple of years, in a number of ways. I've exercised like a maniac and pushed myself in road races and a mini-triathlon; I'm now signed up to run a marathon the day before my b-day in March. I've travelled a lot more than usual -- took a photography course in Florence, Italy; went to Paris with my mom; went to Egypt this fall; and am going to Haiti where my church has a sister parish in March. While I no longer actually GO to church, I really love this committee and the work it's done, building two schools, a church, a health clinic, and now brining clean water to 30,000 people in the village of Medor. I am a proud member of the latrine committee, and that's our next project -- giving 6000 families an outhouse/latrine of their own.

So that's all good. But it hasn't made the restless, jumping-out-of-my-skin, there's-gotta-be-something-more feeling go away. It's hard to explain, and I probably sound like a spoiled brat since i have a great life, healthy kids, good job, happy family and what more could anyone want. Everyone knows once you have good health, a roof over your head and food on the table, all the rest is gravy.

But I feel like a phony, like I'm play-acting most of the time. I feel like a rebel without a cause, pissed off sometimes about nothing but the fact that I don't know what the hell I'm doing, or why.

So that's my plan for 2007 -- to figure out why, to stop being afraid, and to write about it in the novel that I will finish before this year ends. Oh, and also work toward world peace. Amen.