Hunger

I'm starving. I made the thoroughly misguided decision to go on a cleansing diet this week, after being inspired by the newsletter I get every month from Kripalu, a yoga retreat center in Lenox, MA. I went there last summer with my friend Denise for her 50th birthday -- we did a golf/yoga/massage weekend and had a blast. Denise is an avid yogini, while I am a total hacker. Neither of us really fit in with all the serious yoga people, and they are dead serious, but we learned how to swing a golf club, took some great classes, and ate healthy vegetarian food for three days.

So on New Year's Day, I was leisurely reading my e-newsletter and having coffee when their front page article about a cleansing/detox diet, to get rid of those holiday 5 pounds and all the toxins that go with them, struck me as just a super fabbity idea. No meat, no dairy, no fat, no bread, no caffeine. Starting Tuesday morning, all I've eaten is fresh fruit and vegetables, broth, green tea and water. OK, I've cheated a little: I have one cup of coffee every morning, with a teeny bit of skim milk and half a Splenda. I was afraid if I went off all caffeine I'd have such a bad headache I couldn't get out of bed. I also had chili Wednesday night because I was so weak and miserable I didn't think I'd make it through my exercise class the next morning without some protein. (waah waah waah) Then I blew the class off anyway. Last night I was too tired and miserable -- do you see a theme here? -- to make anything good so I heated up a can of Campbell's tomato soup, which Denise helpfully reminded me had way too much sugar and wasn't cleansing at all. I told her off and hung up on her.

So now it's day four, my last day, and life sucks. I didn't work out again today, i hate my entire family and most of my friends, my stomach has a persistent, gnawing ache, and come to think of it so does my head, back, legs and ears. I can't think straight and feel horribly down in the dumps. I am totally unmotivated to do anything. The only ray of sunshine is the fact that it's raining and I'm not going to work, so at least I can stay in and do nothing with less guilt than if it was sunny and beautiful, especially since it's so unseasonably warm this week.

But this is it -- the last day of misery. I'm going to watch movies and take a nap to get through it, then break this stupid fast with happy hour and Mexican food, and lots of it. They say you get a clarity of mind from fasting, which of course I didn't really do and not for long enough, but the only thing I'm clear about is that being hungry sucks. Being hungry and not being able to just eat something and make that feeling go away is just really sucks.

Of course, going to bed hungry and waking up hungry is what millions of people experience every day of their lives, never having enough, never having a full belly. They operate at half power all the time. No wonder developing countries have so many problems. It's so obvious, and so unbelievably wrong. And while I've always been aware of this -- it's not exactly a newsflash -- it pisses me off even more now. Which has more to do with my own self absorption than anything.

But enough unpleasantness -- i'm freakin starving and need some inspiration. Mmmm, fish tacos, rice and beans, chips and salsa, frosty margueritas. Only eight more hours. As Denise would say, scrum!