I went down to the tidal basin before dawn on Monday to see the cherry blossoms, minus the maddened crowd. It was so beautiful and ghostly quiet, although there were photographers, walkers and other joggers enjoying the same experience. There was a huge full moon followed by a gorgeous sunrise, and I don't think I've ever had a nicer, more peacful time in DC. I wanted to go back and do it again yesterday, but I woke to thunder, lightning, rain and high winds that probably blew all the blossoms off the trees right at their peak, which is a shame.
I also went to a meditation class at my local yoga studio on Sunday. I love yoga but had never really explored meditation. I'm thinking it might be a good substitute for church and prayer, since I've given those up as spiritual pursuits. I still go occasionally as part of the Haiti committee, but I swear I don't inhale while there. Just kidding, but I honestly feel nothing of an uplifting nature from those religious rituals and haven't for a very long time.
I was inspired to try meditation by a phenomenal book I just read called "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. (For her excellent and inspiring thoughts on writing, visit her website: http://www.elizabethgilbert.com/writing.htm.) The book is a memoir of Gilbert's journey from unhappy marriage and painful divorce to finding inner peace and a new lease on life. To do this she spends a year pursuing pleasure (4 months learning Italian and eating every delicious thing in Italy); prayer (4 months learning how to be alone with her own thoughts, forgive herelf and others, and connect with her personal idea of God while studying yoga and meditation at her guru's ashram in India); and love (4 months discovering meaning and happiness in her life while spending time with a funny old medicine man and otherwise doing nothing in Bali, Indonesia). It's a journey of self discovery in three countries that begin with the letter I. She's a wonderful writer and it motivated me to check out meditation too. Yes, I know, I am truly a late bloomer in many ways.
Anyway, I loved it! I was surprised at how easily I sank into a kind of empty-headed stupor. It wasn't as hard as I expected to quiet my normally racing thoughts. The instructor suggested we picture a giant cauldron being tended by a very kind and loving wizard (so goofy, right?!), and we could get rid of any bad thoughts or feelings we had, any problems at all, by simply putting them into the pot to be stirred with all the rest into something new and better.
So that's what I did -- I threw it all in there, my worries, my fears, my anger, my sadness, my ever-present guilt, my longings -- and miraculously I just RELAXED and sat there for a pretty long while, just breathing and resting. It was awesome.
After these two lovely and positive experiences (cherry blossoms and meditation), I sat down to complete my writing assignment for the week. Hannah, my own personal and wonderful guru, asked me to write about my writing process these past few months since we've been working together: how is it going, how has it changed, what works, what doesn't; and why am I writing this story anyway. Why do I need to tell this particular story in this particular way? What's driving this need?
I hate these kinds of questions! I just want to write about someone else and not explore WHY. I want to go through this therapeutic experience without having to connect it to my own life and own struggles. But of course that's exactly what it's all about. And as usual, when I started to write honestly but fearfully about why I really want to tell Liza's story, pages of truth poured out. I exposed myself completely for the first time, the real issues I'm grappling with, which I have never put down on paper before. It was scary and surprising and cathartic. But as I pushed "send" I panicked that Hannah would be shocked, put off, maybe not want to work with me anymore.
Which of course was crazy -- she loved it! She was excited, and told me -- once again -- it's all about the writing. She's no judge, has no interest in judging or even knowing people's messy personal lives and struggles. And besides, she says nothing shocks her anymore. While I of course find it gripping, my life and concerns are probably not all that unusual or compelling to someone who's heard it all. Hannah says this isn't therapy -- in therapy you try to solve problems. In her writing course, you just want to get it OUT. Her entire goal is to get me to discover the core of what drives my story, what is it REALLY about. And now I've done it, and it's such a huge relief! I've finally started writing naked, and it's so obvious that this is really the only way to go. Everything seems clearer and easier now -- I feel like the outlines of the story are just falling into place and it all makes more sense.
My next assignments are: 1. to write about why I have such a huge problem with the Catholic church, to write down everything I feel about this subject, tell her all about the issues in the church, and why I feel the way I do about it. This will be an excellent exercise; and 2. write about what I mean when I think of the word faith. What does faith mean to me. Another excellent question, since this is a multifaceted theme in my novel as well. Cool, huh?
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